I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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