he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
