I hate all girls vehemently.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
