see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
