Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
