I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
