My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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