I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
