Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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