I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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