i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
