I have demons in me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
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So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
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Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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