Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
