I want to have your abortion
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
