Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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