I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
