I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
accomplished twins. life is a go
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Randomize
