He is such a slut. More and more my type.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
