he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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