It's like a parade of train wrecks.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
two words...techno handjob
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
