At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
All I want is dick and wine.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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