ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
