My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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