fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
only if we run a train.
done.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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