sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
