I feel great
I just peed on a car
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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