You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
