So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
