I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize