Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
