grandma shit on top of the toilet
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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