My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
