I murdered the dance floor call the cops
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
