they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
