Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
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I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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