i permit you to call me
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
