Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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