low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
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He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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