A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
