i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
