The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
