Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
did i just pee glitter
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
