So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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