My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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