I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
