If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
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I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
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You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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