I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
