dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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