I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
