I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
don't judge my taste in strippers
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
