Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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