Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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