I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
