If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
