so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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