What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
